is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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