Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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