On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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