i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
