you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize