mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
