chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
