Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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