Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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