it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
