God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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