it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
