We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
