I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Randomize
