put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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