She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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