3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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