I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
