Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I fill condoms, not promises.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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