think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
