Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My dick has a subreddit
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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