Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
