I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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