he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize