I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
