I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
