Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
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