I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
