Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
