smell my finger.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
