By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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