I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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