did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
