I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize