My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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