i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
