Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
