He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
