I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize