I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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