Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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