Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
