apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
