The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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