I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
organizing the empties. That sober.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
