I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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