Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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