final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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