The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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