Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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