I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize