Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
