I can tuck mytits in my pants
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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