I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
