Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
