Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
