i think my tv is drunk
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
