dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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