Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
