Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
organizing the empties. That sober.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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