im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize